Good communication means less resentment

Posted: May 29, 2014 | Categories: Leadership

“What we have here is a failure to communicate”

– Cool Hand Luke

According to Webster’s dictionary, negotiation is defined as “a discussion with an intent to reach an agreement”.  Notice that is doesn’t say, “a shouting match” or “temper tantrum festival”.  The reality is, that most effective negotiators are clear, consistent, calm communicators who possess the “Four F’s”.  That means they are firm, friendly, frank, and fair.

Yesterday I had a coaching session with a client that was quite frustrated.  He was trying to move through a big business deal, and one party was holding things up.  This person was making excuses, and dodging key issues.  .

The incident reminded me of a conversation I was involved in nearly 40 years ago.  My bride-to-be and I were discussing wedding plans.  We came to the subject of rings.  It was at this point that Joyce announced that she was getting me a wedding band as a gift.  She wanted me to wear a ring.  I appreciated her offer, but I declined.  As I explained, “I have a problem with wearing a ring.  It is too confining.  I feel shackled.  As a matter of fact, I was the only one in my high school class who did not wear a ring.  Thanks for the offer, though.”

I remember Joyce’s response.  It was immediate.  She said calmly with confidence and conviction, “I see.  Well…Here is where we are at:  If you want to be married to me, you will wear a wedding band”.  Wow!  That was great communication.  I had to commit one way or another.  Right there in the spot, I said, “OK.  I’ll wear a ring”  ( am still wearing it)

I thought this was excellent communication.  Joyce made clear what was acceptable, and what would be a “walkaway”.  She could have pretended it was OK for me to not wear a ring, and then whined about it later to her friends.  She didn’t get mad.  She kept her cool.  As a result, we reached an agreement, and it has been in effect for 40 years and is still working well.

The lesson learned was this:  When we are not in agreement with someone and we need to be, negotiate with a clear idea of what is acceptable and what isn’t.  Be friendly, firm, frank, and fair.  You will create a lasting “win-win” situation.