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Pretending to listen
“Insincerity is shallow and selfish. It ought to fail and it usually does”
– Dale Carnegie
I remember reading the above quote over 40 years ago and it remains embedded in my mind. Insincerity is like counterfeit money: Eventually you will get busted.
Have you known someone who always starts a conversation asking questions about you and your family? You probably have. We enjoy it when others show a genuine interest in us and remember what we have told them. That is the operative word…GENUINE. Here is what I mean:
Last week a friend of mine received a call from someone she had not spoken with for many months. The conversation started off well, and the friend asked about grandkids. Jill answered by saying that she babysat for her grandkids on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, and also Sunday afternoons. Jill’s friend replied, “Oh how nice!”, and then moved on to other topics. About 10 minutes into the conversation the friend asked, “So do you get a chance to see your grandkids often?” Jill was stunned. She had already answered that question earlier and it was apparent her friend had not been listening. Good listening builds trust. Lousy listening erodes it.
If you have found yourself making the same mistake that Jill’s friend did, it doesn’t mean you are an insincere person. I must confess I can think of times when I let myself get distracted and made a similar error. When I did, I felt like a “penny waiting for change”. and I apologized for my failure to listen.
The lesson is this: When we ask questions to find out how others are doing, we LISTEN. It builds trust and gives us a perfect conversation starter for the next time. Others will appreciate our genuine and sincere interest in them.
Two magic words that are still magic
“Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
I remembering once hearing of a conversation between a worldwide traveler and person who was just starting to travel. The neophyte was going for a tour of Europe, and he asked the season traveler for his best advice. The reply was not complex. The travel pro said, “Just learn how to say “thank you” in every language you will encounter, and make sure to always say thank you.” Weeks later, the rookie traveler returned and said to the pro, “That was the best travel advice I have every received!” It reminds me of what we all learned in kindergarten: Say the magic words of “please” and “thank you”.
Last Thursday my wife and I decided to treat ourselves to dinner. We went to a local fast-casual restaurant that belonged to a chain with a reputation of friendly service. The person took our order. His face was expressionless. We paid up and shortly after he gave us our sandwiches with a “Here you go”. I was waiting for a “thank-you”, and there was silence. We quietly walked away with our food. It then began to occur to me that “please” and “thank you” are going out of fashion. That is sad. As customers, we choose to spend our money at certain places, and when we do, we help provide the capability of a business to issue paychecks. Thank you, anyone?
I also realized that recently I find myself saying “thank you” to someone who should be thanking me. It gets worse. When I do say thank you, I often hear, “No problem”. Really? I never thought of myself as a problem. I thought of myself as a customer.
Before the phrase thank you becomes extinct, I encourage you all to use this phrase wherever you go. Did someone do something nice for you today? Thank them. And thank you for ready this blog!
One of the best antidotes to “burnout”
Have you ever been asked, “Do you have any hobbies?” If your answer is, “I really don’t have any”, you may be missing something. The happiest people I know have hobbies. Those who are in constant stress tend not to have hobbies. They don’t have the time…right? Let me tell you about my friend, Dan. He is 84, and living a life most people only dream of:
Dan began his career in pharmaceutical sales. He was a champion performer and retired after 30 years on top of his game. His next move was immediate: He went to a career in executive coaching and team development. He became a cohort of mine, and did brilliant work. He retired after 15 years of coaching. He was ready for his next career as an entertainer.
Dan is a natural performer and he started his own business of doing comedy and nostalgia shows for nursing homes. He soon became quite successful, and was booking over 100 shows per year.
Dan is an example of the value of hobbies and avocations. I can easily think of ten more people with similar stories. There is one thing we can learn from every one of them: Always have a hobby or avocation. Doing so helps ensure balance, reduce stress, and may lead to our exciting next venture in life.
Being corporate without the “corporate feel”
If you own a business, and you overheard someone talking about your company, what words would you want to hear? I am guessing you would want people to say, “Nice play to work” or “Great customer service”, etc. What if someone said, “The working environment feels very corporate”. Such a comment probably would not excite you. The “corporate feel” doesn’t sell like it used to.
For nearly 50 years I have been a loyal follower of a local restaurant chain in Chicago. These restaurants were special places with a lively staff that knew how to have fun and make the dining experience special for you.
In the past few years, I have noticed these restaurants lose their luster. Orders get messed up, people stopped smiling, and things just weren’t the same. Three weeks ago my family and I had such a bad experience that we decided to end our 49-year old tradition. Before I made my final decision, I called customer service and told them of my experience. They promised to get back to me. They did not. It was time to move on. I wish I could say the incident three weeks ago was an isolated incident. It wasn’t. We’ve had several sub-par visits in the past two years. Last week I was relating this story to a stock broker, and he commented, “Oh yeah, that company was sold in 2014 and is now publicly traded.” The lively team spirit this chain of restaurants had built had died a slow death. They now had the “corporate feel”. Do you work for a large corporatation? What can you do to make sure your team has a “caring feel” versus a “corporate” one?
We teach others how we want to be treated
I have been in managing and coaching for nearly 50 years, and I find myself often reflecting on what I have learned. One of the most important lessons life has taught me is that I can’t change people. I actually used to think I could. I was wrong. What we can do is be a positive influence and also teach others how we would like to be treated. We have all known others who have been a positive influence on us.
I remember years ago I was standing in a short line in the service department of an auto dealer. When it was my turn, I began to explain to the advisor the symptoms I was experiencing with my car. He seemed to be impatient and dismissive. Sensing this attitude, I paused and said, “I may be reading you all wrong, and if I am I apoligize. I just get the feeling that you don’t really care about my problem and aren’t that interested in helping. Am I interpreting you correctly?” I said it politely, and there were two others in line behind me. The advisor immediately changed his tune, and got in step with me. Soon my problem was diagnosed and solved. Did I change this person’s attitude? Probably not. If that happened, fine. My goal was to teach him how I wanted to be treated. My first thought was to get mad and snap at him. Instead I got ahold of my attitude and asked a question. Even though there may be many people we would like to change in this world (and I’ll bet they want to change us!). Before we try that, we can start first by teaching others how we would like to be treated.